Relationships today face many issues on a personal note and as well as a society as a whole. We as a nation must pull together all of our resources and help the youth face the problems of tomorrow, today.
We need balance, which we do not have any longer, to survive our relationships. My mom says she has a strong desire to give me and my sister a better, safer world but at times this is impossible with the way things are in our society today.
This face is verbal abuse which is the chosen abuse I would like to talk about in this paper. Verbal abuse is also backed up by physical abuse. Unless the victim tells, these abuses often go unnoticed.
My mom was both verbally abused and physically abused by her mom. She is also a child sexual assault survivor. This is a woman who I thought I knew everything about until I told her about this paper that I had to write. Then she told me things that I have no empathy for because I have never nor I hope to ever go through what she has gone through. I have made her the center of my paper because I want to help her let things go. Also I feel like I understand some of her pain now and why she parents they way she does. My mom was a silent victim. She explains that she never told anyone because she was afraid and did not really think any thing was wrong. Family at times noticed things, or marks on her but no one asked any questions. My mom says her sisters were afraid of her. Teachers in the 60’s did not talk about abuse and let parents punish their children as they saw fit. So my mom suffered many years of abuse in silence with only her sisters to care.
What is Verbal abuse?
It’s when someone put’s someone down using words that can hurt for the rest of your life.
Words that can make the victim feel bad about themselves.
Calling the victim names. My mom was called stupid, idiot for most of her life.
Playing mind games. My mom was told that her mom will be wherever she was.
Interrogating the victim. For hours my mom was asked questions about school.
Intimidating the victim. My grandmother had a big belt which was hung right by her outside door so that when my mom was entering her house, the first thing she saw was the belt. Fear is what the belt was meant to be.
Checking up on victim’s activities. My mom remembers her mom being everywhere. There was no freedom for her until she was married at nineteen.
Humiliating the victim, in front of family and friends. My grandmother made sure that every chance she could she would say something bad about my mom in front of people. She was demeaned in front of friends.
Making the victim feel guilty. My mom says that her mom made her feel guilty everyday. She would say that it was her fault that her father left. He had wanted a boy and they got another girl. My mom was not named for three weeks. My mom says that she was unwanted for being female. She was the third.
Shaming the victim.
My grandmother controlled everything about my mom. Her friends, her schooling, reading materials and so on.
Jealousy. My mom is beautiful and my grandmother did not like this. She would make fun of her, every chance she could. Even today, my grandmother makes fun of my mom being fat. Jealousy is often a prime symptom in adult relationships that turn abusive.
Most abusers blame the victim for everything that goes on in their relationship. This can be adult relationships and parent/child relationships.
Slavery. My mom was treated as a slave from five years old till she left to get married. My mom had to cook, wash, clean and iron. She had to take care of her youngest sibling which meant getting up in the middle of the night to feed her, when mom was seven years old. My grandmother left no room to complain. When my mom would she would get a beating.
No money. My mom was never allowed to get any new clothes, shoes, nor any treats. When she was fourteen she went to work and had to fork over her pay to pay for the rent and telephone bill.
Mom says that; my grandmother wanted was to have power and control over her children and for them to never forget who the BOSS is. Grandmother was a perpetrator. That is what my mom calls her. My mom loves her mother dearly. That’s what I do not get. How can you love someone when you are getting hurt all the time. That’s what love is? I sure do not want it. According to my mom; her mother was full of anger at my grandfather. He left his family and never helped raise them nor gave any money. He passed this past October and my grandmother cried a lot.
My mom learned to tell when my grandmother was really angry by a certain look and a tone she would use when they got home from school. My mom would not look at her but would quickly get on with her chores and answer her ever question respectfully. My grandmother would also surprise them when they would get home. She would wait until they were inside and start beating for no reason.
My mom suffered the beatings and the verbal abuse by her mom. She vowed never to treat people like that and never to treat her own children the way she was treated. She kept her word.
She has raised my sister and I with knowledge about all the abuses and that perpetrators could be anyone. Abuse holds no discrimination. My mom is a survivor and I hope I will always have my mom around to help me in case I fall into an abusive relationship of to help me see the signs before the hurting happens.
Physical abuse is painful but the scars go away. Verbal abuse never goes away because it’s instilled in the brain. My mom can recall every word that my grandmother called her and how she felt. I feel young people should be educated on all types of abuses so they wont fall prey. I know I have been really educated by this issue and have grown closer to my mom and feel she is a survivor and a strong one at that.
REFERENCES:
My Mommy Dearest: Jeannette Hunt
Patricia Evans, Verbal Abuse Survivors (Book)
